i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
