I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
