Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
