remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
