i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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