I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
