I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize