i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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