You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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