He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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