Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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