I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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