I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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