I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
