apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
