This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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