Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Randomize
