Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
