I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
