WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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