I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
