dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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