I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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