Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize