Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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