The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
