My friends, they love my intelligence
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I have fence marks all over my body
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
