I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
