Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
