Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
