There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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