I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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