She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
