dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
