I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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