I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
