Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
