I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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