Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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