everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
