This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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