Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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