It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
