Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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