Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize