Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want a musical about memes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize