I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
