i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
