Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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