I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
