just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
