I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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