Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
