so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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