you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
