ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize