Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
