What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
