why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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