I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
