Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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