i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
pop tarts are not kleenex
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I love you. Go after that dick
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
