someone get that fucking seahorse.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
