hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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