The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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