the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
