saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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