I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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