bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
