Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
