Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
