I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
